I'm back

My little internet-less adventure didn't turn out exactly as I planned.  I slowly returned to internet use in gradual phases during lent.  But I did have some success in terms of eating.  I also tried to give up: soda, fast food, chocolate chip cookies and chocolate candy.  I gave in on the soda once, the fries 2x (and both times they made me sick), but my biggest accomplishment was the cookies and candy. The day before easter I gave in and had a chocolate chip cookie and I didn't have one piece of candy during lent. That's right, I went a month and half without eating chocolate chip cookies and candy.  I thought that would have been harder than the internet.  I was very wrong.


My goal was to grow in my relationship with God (isn't that the point of fasting?).  But in the end I wasn't praying much more or reading the bible more... I did listen to more sermons on podcasts and start doing more things at church (a young adult group), which is all well and good, but in terms of my personal relationship with God, I struggled with making that part of my every day routine.  In some ways I feel this fasting exercise was really just for myself to prove I could do something.  Which defeats the purpose of fasting.  In fact, I was shutting God out almost the entire time.  Matthew 6:16-18 warns against exactly what I was doing - making it public, putting the word out there: "look at me."


“When you fast, do not look sullen like the hypocrites, for they make their faces unattractive so that people will see them fasting. I tell you the truth, they have their reward. When you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to others when you are fasting, but only to your Father who is in secret. And your Father, who sees in secret, will reward you." 


Another issue I realized I was having was the guilt of not being able to keep my promise to fast.  It was bordering on legalism, the feeling that I must keep certain rules in order for God to love me or forgive me or save me.  Well guess what people, I don't believe in legalism.  Legalism has to do with man made rules.  Jesus didn't tell me to give up the internet. I told myself that.  There's nothing wrong with giving it up, but I shouldn't put non-biblical rules on myself for a decision I made.  I think in the end God cares more about the fact that I wasn't praying more or diving into his word, then the fact I decided after two weeks I wanted to check my yahoo mail.  I also believe that our actions should change based on our love for God and desire to be obedient to Him, and not because we want to prove a point.

The weird thing, though, is I feel like I think about God constantly and I know he knows my heart and my thoughts.  But I don't feel like I know Him near as well as He desires me to or I desire to. I do not have a substantial prayer life and I think that is where I went wrong in terms of my Lent experience.  So my next question for myself is how do I make prayer and reading God's word a priority in my life so that I may grow in relationship with Jesus?