Music and Regrets

About 10 years ago my brother bought me a guitar for Christmas. He promised to teach me how to play. He taught me a few chords one evening but we never had another lesson again. A few years passed and then my husband taught me a few chords (probably the same ones). I practiced for a few days and was able to play the first few notes to "Not for You" by Pearl Jam. I was so proud of myself! That was probably 5 years ago.

Here am, tonight, watching the documentary "It Might Get Loud," and thinking about my dusty guitar sitting in the closet, lonely and unplayed. Whatever happened to my ambitions? Not to become some amazing, famous guitarist (because God and I both know that would never happen!) but to just learn the basics of this beautiful instrument that has brought so much joy to my life since I was 15 years old.

I came to realize that you truly have to have a passion and amazing motivation to learn something new at 25 years old. It's not as if I was 15 years old and spent an entire summer playing guitar. When I was 15 years old I spent my time listening to alternative rock, reading music magazines and biographies, and watching 120 minutes on MTV. My life was music, like the kid down the street who played guitar, but I was learning the lyrics, the music from the song as a whole, the feeling I got from the albums, and learning about the history of these bands. My passion was for the experience of listening to and feeling the music. My passion was for the story behind the music. I never had or knew the passion for playing.

But that's ok! God provides us all with different passions and different talents. I have a talent for becoming obsessed over things that bring me joy (like Pearl Jam). I have a talent for finding information and sharing that information with others (even if it's about things I care about and they don't, like Pearl Jam!). I believe I have a talent for writing, but about 8 years ago I went from writing poetry and fiction to just writing editorial emails to my family (and now editorial blogs for myself and the two people who read this). That still is writing though, right? I'm thinking about joining a creative writers meetup on Wednesday nights when Rich starts school in two weeks. I feel if I get back involved with the creative writing process and be forced to write because I know every week people will be expecting something from me, maybe I can conjur up something of some value.

I may have changed though. Poetry and fiction may not be where my interest or motivation lies anymore, and that's ok. But sometimes I wonder, what if I had kept writing after I got married. What if I had a whole book full of poems that wasn't about the depressing and anxiety filled moments of my teen years and college years? What would my poetry look like if I had written it when I was actually pretty content with my life? Don't get me wrong, I'm still learning about myself and life, and where God wants me to be, but the last 8 years were so much happier than the previous 8. I know my creativity would have been pushed in a whole different direction...

We can't hold on to what if's. In fact, "what if's" really don't exist. They can't exist! You can't change the past, plain and simple. I am who I am right now based on my past experiences and nothing can change that. All I can do is continue forward each day of my life and try to make the decisions that I feel God wants me to make and that I feel will best help me in my life.

...So I will continue to listen to beautiful music, whether it's alternative, hard, indie, folk, classic rock, whatever! ...And I will continue to be jealous of those individuals who can create those amazing sounds (Mike McCready on Yellow Ledbetter, every time you make me want to cry!) ...And I will continue to write what my fingers want to write, even if it's just a blog devoted to random things that no one really cares about except me.

Good night.

ps - Check out "It Might Get Loud" with Jimmy Page, The Edge, and Jack White, it's fascinating!